8 Relationship Myth-busters
Leanne explodes some common held relationship beliefs, and lends us her wisdom in getting the best from our relationships 🙂
1. You complete me.
Success is one whole person partnering with another whole person. Wholeness requires fully knowing who we are, what we love, and what we need, whilst having the capacity to be empathic and compassionate towards the needs of others. Love is a bonus in our lives not a remedy for our emptiness. If we need rescuing, it can create victim energy. It’s good to remember that Cinderella actually had her own gorgeous glass slippers. She was capable enough to find her own way to the ball and complete enough to know she needed a prince that matched her in the wonderfulness stakes.
2. You should know my needs.
We each have a responsibility to express valid needs in an upbeat positive way, so that others can consider meeting our needs. Mind reading is a speciality for a select few! Needs vary when situations do, and people are entitled to shift and change their stance and responses. Unless you are a witch with magical powers, engage in regular discussions because that’s the way to be heard.
3. Love will conquer all.
And then temporary hurdles like illness, exhaustion, a new baby, or some other stress pops up along the way. Working together to transform stress empowers couples and strengthens love. Learning to share the load before house renovations or the transition to parenthood stops us falling down a rabbit hole into topsy- turvy land. And, if serious issues present themselves like job loss, illness, or disability, it will take trust, faith, and very supportive communication along with love, to keep things up the right way.
4. I can change who he is.
Well, you can buy him groovy shirts as gifts and gently influence some of his decisions based on the positive validation you offer him, but some things are stuck in people as solid as a sword in stone, and unless he has a willingness to get his own jack hammer out, you might find yourself loving the potential more than the person.
5. Lotto will fix everything.
It’s a fantastic creative exercise to dream, plan and talk about what ifs together. I highly recommend mood boards and affirmations. Being together is full of financial and emotional ups and downs mixed up with expected and unexpected change. Just whisk together hope and creative solutions with a raising agent whenever you hit a flat patch. Believe in luck but remember to enjoy the challenge of less happy days too.
6. Arguments are good, if I argue with you it means I care about you.
And not raising our blood pressure by discussing things respectfully is even more caring. Caring is about building friendship in a compassionate way. Struggle versus sacrifice comes up many times over in a relationship. Time-out procedures keep Rumpelstilskin tendencies at bay and are valuable in stopping conflict from escalating. When we discuss things in supportive, understanding ways we develop secure emotional attachments.
7. If it’s real love, passion never fades.
A garden needs tending to, it requires weeding and watering and digging over and replanting every changing season for it to keep turning out healthy luscious produce. Nature has a lot to teach us. Every relationship has its challenges and strengths. Passionate sex requires attention, invention, trust, newness, adventure, emotional intimacy and some wildness thrown in for good measure because stress, too many responsibilities and being too busy is a modern day certainty that takes the shine off your sparkle.
8. A good relationship means you shouldn’t have to work at it.
And if you don’t put oil in a car it will eventually blow up. If you don’t look after anything you have it usually doesn’t survive the distance. What you put in you get back, so love and love some more, communicate consciously and grow the love you have as high as a magic beanstalk.
Leanne is a relationship expert, artist and writer of books for children and grownups. With a career spanning 25 years she has worked as a family court counsellor, addictions counsellor, facilitator and therapist in private practise. She has been a relationship columnist for New Idea, a monthly columnist for The Martinborough Star and has written freelance articles for Next magazine. She has appeared on TV and has had articles published in titles such as: Woman’s Day, Femme Fitness, Enhance, The NZ Herald, The Marlborough Express, Indigo and Scoop. She lives on an olive grove in Martinborough with her happily ever after husband, three sheep and her pet pig Giggles, inspiring others to live a life that sparkles.
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